The Twelve Days of Gumby Christmas

Gumby wishes all the non-green persons and objects in the world a very Merry Christmas. Sometimes Gumby gets a bad rap for being too pro-green. Green this and green that. For this year’s Christmas card, Gumby has intentionally decided to share his space with the color RED. This is a direct “nod-of-the-head” in the direction of diversity, whether the color RED deserves it or not.

As a holiday treat below, Gumby offers you his version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. Sing along and Seasons Greeting!

On the first day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Six swine a sneezing
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Seven soldiers sweating
Six swine a sneezing
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Eight Pukites puking
Seven soldiers sweating
Six swine a sneezing
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Nine months unemployment
Eight Pukites puking
Seven soldiers sweating
Six swine a sneezing
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Ten GEICO geckos
Nine months unemployment
Eight Pukites puking
Seven soldiers sweating
Six swine a sneezing
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Eleven pints of green goo
Ten GEICO geckos
Nine months unemployment
Eight Pukites puking
Seven soldiers sweating
Six swine a sneezing
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Twelve sheet iron crackers
Eleven pints of green goo
Ten GEICO geckos
Nine months unemployment
Eight Pukites puking
Seven soldiers sweating
Six swine a sneezing
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!!!!!!!

The Christmas Eve Star

(With apologizes to the Cotton Patch Gospel)

It happened in those days that a proclamation went out from President Augustus that every citizen must register. So everybody went to register, each going to his own home town. Joseph too went up from south Georgia from the town of Valdosta, to his home in north Georgia, a place called Gainesville, to register with his bride Mary, who by now was heavily pregnant.

While they were there, her time came, and she gave birth to her first baby. She wrapped him in a blanket and laid him in an apple box. (There was no room for them at the hospital.) When the time for the christening came, Joseph and Mary named him Jesus as an angel had told them. This confounded the relatives, because no one from either side of the family had ever been named Jesus.

When Jesus was born in Gainesville, during the time that Herod was governor, some scholars from the Orient came to Atlanta and inquired, “Where is the one who was born to be governor of Georgia? We saw his star in the Orient, and we came to honor him.” This news put Governor Herod and all his cronies in a tizzy. So he called a meeting of the big time preachers and politicians, and asked if they had any idea where the leader was to be born. “In Gainesville, Georgia” they replied.

Then Herod called in the scholars privately and questioned them in detail about the exact time of the star’s appearance. And he sent them off to Gainesville with this instruction: “Go and find out the facts about the child. Then tell me what you’ve learned…” They listened to the governor and left. And you know, the star which they saw in the Orient went ahead of them until it came and stood above the place where the child was. (Just looking at the star flooded them with great happiness.) So they went inside the house and saw Mary with the baby. They bowed down and honored him, and opened the presents they had brought to him – gifts of an American Express gold card, scented candles and a bottle of Jade East perfume.

Gumby, always a fan of astronomy, also noticed the star using his Tasco Spacestation 60AZ refractor telescope viewing at 500x magnification. Being in Georgia anyway retracing Sherman’s march to the sea, Gumby followed the star to the trailer home where Jesus was born and arrived right at the same time as the scholars pulled up in their rental car smoking a pack of camels. The trailer was so drafty; the outside was lined with bales of hay to help keep the wind out.

After the three gifts were presented, Gumby offered Jesus the most precious gift of all – a gift of green. This rare image of Gumby presenting his gift to the baby Jesus was snapped by Joseph on his Kodak Instamatic model 100 camera (with fixed shutter speed, aperture and focus, featuring a built-in flashgun for AG-1 "peanut" bulbs). When Jesus saw the green bow, he cooed, laughed, then smiled. He even gave Gumby a big “thumbs up” sign (even though he was God, Jesus was obviously too young to speak yet). Gumby seemed to hear a deep voice in his head saying “Thank you, Gumby my toy”. Gumby was happy. Jesus was happy. It was a happy Christmas Eve. Peace on earth and good will to all the people.

A Gumby Thanksgiving

Gumby had friends and family over for Thanksgiving: Gusby and Gabby (Dad and Mom), sister Gumbelina, GEICO Gecko, Buzz Lightyear, Paula Abdul, Tiger Woods (because he unexpectedly had his holiday plans changed), and about a dozen Gumbites from Osawatomie.

Thanks were given for the food and for not being a Pukite. Then they ate.

Not unexpectedly, everyone grossly over ate with three 13-lb turkeys, seven quarts of oyster dressing, four dozen dinner rolls, one large pot of green beans, one large pot of green peas, a case of dead things from the sea (with crackers), one gallon of gravy, 45 links of smoked salami snacks, two dozen pieces of Uncle Billy's hardtack (vintage 1864 – that was an excellent year for hardtack), two gallons of cranberry stuff, two pumpkin pies, and one pie each of apple, peach, sardines, gooseberry, and rhubarb.

Luckily knowing his guests, Gumby rented a portable authentic Roman vomitorium. After dinner as he sat watching football on TV and adjusting his waist belt, Gumby was heard saying “Thank Jesus for elastic!”

St Louis Massacre - Truth Uncovered

May 10, 1861 Riding at the head of more than 6,000 militia and U. S. Regular Infantry, pro-Union Capt. Nathaniel Lyon paid a visit to the 600-800 man pro-Confederate Missouri State Guard Camp Jackson near St Louis. Fears were strong that pro-Confederate forces would seize the St Louis Arsenal. Overwhelming numbers forced the surrender of the secessionists without a fight and the prisoners were marched through St Louis streets to the arsenal between two lines of soldiers.

For a number of reasons, this turned out not to be the best move. Enraged civilians jeered and hurled objects at the heavily German militia and in general behaved very rudely toward the pro-Unionists. During one unfortunate halt, a single shot rang out and the nervous pro-Union forces and armed public open fired on each other. Accounts vary, but 20-28 civilians were killed, including some women and children, and scores were wounded. This is known as the "St. Louis Massacre".

Common belief holds that the first shot was fired toward the soldiers by an angry drunkard with a pistol. However, recent extensive research conducted by The History Channel (in cooperation with The Military Channel and National Geographic) including modern DNA testing, uncovered the true and accurate account of what happened on the streets of St Louis. This corrected account was recently filmed in Kansas City to be shown next year on the History Channel.

Traveling with the noted Phrenologist Orson Squire Fowler, Gumby was in St Louis on that ill fated day. Phrenologist-in-training Gumby had just concluded a Phrenological examination of “Miss Lulu”, a working woman at the St Louis Social Palace and Afternoon Tea Sipping Club. This was a quid pro quo for an afternoon of pleasant society at that establishment by O. S. and his student, Gumby.

Upon hearing shouting and much commotion, they went outside to see what was occurring. They saw the prisoners, they saw small children throwing dirt clods at the soldiers, they saw the soldiers surrounded by angry people shaking their fists. The crowd was such a jostle that one unfortunate woman was knocked onto her back. Before Gumby could avert his little green eyes, he saw her ankles and petticoat. Gumby felt so ashamed!

Although the vantage point from Orson’s tall broad shoulders was extremely good, the day was windy and chilly. “Gumby’s plastic is getting hard” Gumby said. To get warm, he climbed down and snuggled into Orson’s pistol holster tighter than a tick on a hound dog. Orson carried the weapon solely for protection against thievery and occasionally to shoot stray cats for entertainment. Gumby stretched his thick green neck to view around one particularly fat German, “Gumby no can see ‘round fat Dutchy”. His foot accidentally pushed against the trigger and the pistol discharged with a deafening “BOOOOOMM”.

Gumby was so startled that he soiled himself with little green poo. “WHAT WAS THAT?!” Gumby screamed trembling in fear. Men standing near, not knowing where the shot came from, were fearful that Gumby might be hurt. They drew their weapons and formed a human shield around Orson and Gumby to protect him from stray balls of lead which began to fill the air. Better that human flesh stop a bullet than Gumby’s green plastic.

The ball of humanity moved toward the Social Palace protecting Gumby from flying lead. One man immediately fell dead from a buck-and-ball to the side of the head. A few seconds later, a second man cried out in agony as he collapsed from a .58 caliber minnie ball crashing into his knee cap.

The rest of the traditional historical account is more or less accurate. It’s this first shot description that has now set the historical record straight.

Epilog
Gumby and Orson spent the rest of the afternoon and evening safely inside, sipping tea and having social interaction with Miss Lulu and the other ladies at the Social Palace. Fortunately, the streets were cleared of the soldiers, dead, and dying by the time they left.

Reference material:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Camp_Jackson_Affair
http://www.mcwm.org/history_camp_jackson.html

Gumby and Obama declare war on swine flu

On October 24, 2009, President Obama signed a proclamation declaring the 2009 H1N1 influenza pandemic a National Emergency to facilitate our ability to respond to the pandemic. To gain additional traction on the now official swine flu national emergency, the White House asked Gumby to become involved.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said Friday, “Supply challenges aside, it appears much of the American public is not taking this swine flu stuff seriously. Barack, er, I mean President Obama himself suggested we need a spokestoy to help convince the populace to get on board with this darn thing. He could think of no one better for the job than Gumby!”

The flu outbreak allegedly has killed more than 1,000 people in the United States. Fortunately, no toys have died as a result of this flu.

"As a nation, we have prepared at all levels of government, and as individuals and communities, taking unprecedented steps to counter the emerging pandemic. One of the most effective health measures was to get Gumby on the publicity bandwagon" Obama wrote in the emergency declaration. He said the pandemic keeps evolving; however, Gumby is a constant which gives great solace and hope to all Americans. Obama added “Gumby takes the audacity of hope to an entirely new and higher level. America needs Gumby.”

Cable news pundits immediately began speculation that this was the beginning setup to have Gumby run as Vice President for Obama’s second term.

The government now estimates to have about 5 billion doses of swine flu vaccine out by mid-November. The White House estimates this is enough for 3 shots per American citizen and adequate to hoard worldwide supplies to keep vaccine from our enemies and to reward nations friendly to the United States. A spokesperson for the U.S. House of Representatives stated “Why heck, long as we done got ‘nuff fer all the Billy-Bob’s back in my neck of the woods, I really don’t give a hoot about them who can’t talk American. They ain’t voters.”

In a press conference, Gumby announced his great pleasure to help out the Prez. “Gumby no can catch virus. Gumby have no lungs to breathe those pig germs. But glad to set good example. (Ochoo!) And remember to cover mouth when you cough.” Gumby reminds us.

Ogumba

Gumby decided this year to dress as the leader of the free world, the big Prez, the Nobel Peace guy. The White House called to indicate their pride that Gumby selected the President as a costume. Coincidently, President Obama selected Gumby as a costume this year.

Gumby of Arabia

Gumby is filming a remake of the World War I classic “Lawrence of Arabia”, with Gumby playing the lead role of Lieutenant Colonel T. E. Lawrence. The Arab army is portrayed by fellow toys. In a casting coup, Omar Sharif reprises his role as Sherif Ali ibn el Kharish.

Today they were filming a major battle sequence. Gumby and his fellow toys come upon a column of retreating Turkish soldiers, who have just slaughtered the villagers of Tafas. One of Gumby’s soldiers, Buzz Lightyear, is from the village and, after seeing the carnage, he demands, “No prisoners!” When Gumby hesitates, Buzz charges the Turks by himself and is killed. Gumby takes up the dead man's cry, resulting in a massacre in which Gumby himself participates with relish (and lots of ketchup).

This photo shows Gumby charging the Turks shouting “Gumby say no prisoner! Gumby say no prisoner!” Moments after this photo was taken, Gumby bounced off his camel and nearly broke his arm. Fortunately, he could just flex it back into shape.

During an interview for Entertainment Tonight, Gumby was asked about the violent battle scenes. Gumby replied “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” The movie is expected in theaters Summer 2010 and will be rated “G” because its stars are toys.

To Serve Gumby

“Respectfully submitted for your perusal: a Keemokimoite. Height: a little over seven feet. Weight: in the neighborhood of three hundred and fifty pounds. Origin: Ozarks area U.S.A. Motives? Therein hangs the tale, for in just a moment we're going to ask you to shake hands, figuratively, with a Julia Childs from somewhere north of Toad Holler. This is … the Frying Pan Zone.”

A clan of odd looking people with large foreheads known as the Keemokimoites (key-mo-ki-mo-ites) arrived in Gumby’s town and promised to be nothing but helpful to the cause of small plastic toys. Initially wary of the intentions of such highly advanced technology, even the most skeptical toys were convinced when their code-breakers translated one of the Keemokimoite’s books with the seemingly innocuous title, "To Serve Toys”. In was written in a chicken-scratch hand writing that none of the toys could read or understand.

Sharing their advanced technology, this odd group quickly solved all of the toy’s greatest woes: wear spots, chewed arms/legs, and the need for periodic recovering. Soon, toys were volunteering for trips to the Keemokimoite’s hometown, which was supposedly a paradise.

Graciously accepting an invitation, Gumby went to their temporary camp for coffee and dinner before beginning the long trip to visit Keemokimoville in the Ozarks. Gumby ate a very filling meal of sow belly, taters, angel hair pasta, and fried sow’s ears. As he leaned back on his mountain man chair, Gumby pulled out on his flexible waistband to adjust his dinner and said “Ahhh that feels better – thank Jesus for elastic”. He was then snatched up and thrown in a frying pan to keep a large onion, some roach infested crackers, and a handful of goober peas company.

As the frying pan was being placed over the hot coals, Gumby said “Hey wait a minute. This no right. Gumby no like onions!” At that instant Gumby’s sister, Gumbelina, ran up to the edge of the camp, but was stopped by a mean looking Keemokimoite named KK.

Gumbelina screamed “Gumby… Gumby… Don’t get in that frying pan. I finally deciphered their handwriting. The book...the rest of the book — It's a cookbook!”

Well… Gumby sat up and jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. With one quick hop on a burning log (ouch!), Gumby jumped to the ground and skedaddled away from those Keemokimoites as fast as his little green legs would move. Apparently the book, "To Serve Toys", was a cookbook, and all the Keemokimoite’s gifts were simply to make toykind complacent, much like fattening pigs or cows before they are slaughtered.

“The recollections of one Gumby the toy, with appropriate flashbacks and soliloquy. Or more simply stated, the evolution of toys, the cycle of going from dust to dessert, the metamorphosis from being the ruler on TV to an ingredient in someone's soup. Gumby was lucky – this time. But who knows if Gumby – or YOU the reader – will ever end up on a Keemokimoite menu. It's tonight's "bill of fare", from the Frying Pan Zone.”

Happy 50th anniversary this week Twilight Zone.
References:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_Serve_Man_(The_Twilight_Zone) http://www.imdb.com/video/cbs/vi54853657/

Gumbites vs Pukites

It’s a historical fact that back in the 1800s, Missourians were sometimes referred to as Pukites*. It’s a lesser known historical fact that Kansans were sometimes called Gumbites*. These two faction’s hatred of each other goes back to the pre-Civil War border war period (much like today’s Jaywalk vs Tigers sports rivalry, except today they don’t kill each other).

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your point of view), elements of both of these radical groups still exist today. Members live in the past and on average possess lower IQs. Like with a severe case of attention deficit disorder, these poor folks can only fixate and obsess over one thing at a time.

In today’s modern world of the internet, blogs, and emails, misinformation can be distributed faster than you can say Enfatinturelitism. This modern technology gives new found power and perceived importance to these radical groups.

Gumby though, always a student and friend of history, has a celebrity honorary membership to the Osawatomie Kansas chapter of the John Brown Gumbite and Red Leg Society Post 34 (so numbered for Kansas being the 34th state in the Union – admitted as a free-state).

As good fortune would have it, Gumby was at a recent John Brown meeting when, low and behold, who should pop her perky little head into the meetin’ room? None other than ex-mayor, ex-VP candidate, ex-governor, ex-front page news, ex-future-mother-in-law, celebrity-wanna-be Sarah Palin! (woo-hoo!) Gumby and all the rest of the ol’ boys were stunned like a duck hit on the head with a club. Gumby was so excited at the sight of Palin that he wet himself (just a little).
Palin was heard to say “Gosh darn it you boys are hotter than a space heater on a cold January night in Fairbanks” and called Gumby “a true American maverick”.

Shown in the exclusive photo above is a gun-totin’ Palin with Gumby and his fellow Gumbites. Afterward, Palin asked “Do you boys have a helicopter I can borrow to go wolf hunting?”

Foot notes:
*Pukite – The Dictionary of American Regional English (Vol. 4, Harvard University Press, 2002) lists 1831 as the first reference to Missourians being referred to as "pukes," while the noted Ozarks folklorist Vance Randolph discusses the origin of the term at length in his book Down in the Holler: a Gallery of Ozarks Folk Speech (University of Oklahoma Press, 1953, 1986). One theory of the origin of the term cites a story that residents of St. Louis in the early 19th century "got the pukes" from eating local wild greens, or gathered Illinois "puke­roots" to stem the sickness, thus becoming "puke-hunters" or "pukes." Randolph mentions on page 274 that residents of Arkansas & Oklahoma frequently referred to Missouri as "The Puke Territory" or the "Puke Nation."

*Gumbite – A small green toy, a follower of a small green toy, or one who professes the teachings and beliefs of a small green toy. Commonly a wearer of wool and a chapeau. Commonly armed, but not dangerous.

The Great Gumby Look-Alike Contest

In true competition fashion, Gumby hosted a cable reality show for those contestants who thought they looked like the famous (the one and only) Gumby. The show, called “Everybody Is Gumby”, started with 16 people (and other sentient beings) and one per week was voted off.

This photo shows the final two contestants; both considered favorites since the reality series began. The taller one not only had the perfect Gumby look, but also the Gumby voice down so well it made Gumby’s little plastic skin get goose bumps. He even fooled Gumby’s Mother, Gabby, in a fake phone call as part of one episode. The final winner was the small one. Exit polls from the judges table indicated the feature that won them over were the ears. The semi-finalist was heard complaining “Hey wait a darn minute! Gumby ain’t even got no ears! I had mine taken off!”

Besides host Gumby, voting judges included fellow “greenies” the GEICO Gecko, Mr Green Jeans (from the Capt Kangaroo TV show), Kermit (the frog), Paula Abdul (in green face paint), and special guest ex-politician Rod Blagojevich (as the token white guy with big hair).

Everyone was in tears during the last show while the judge’s votes were tallied and Paula Abdul sang a slow sultry version of “It Ain’t Easy Being Green”. Kermit the frog fainted from emotion and was taken to a local hospital for observation.

Blagojevich denies any money changed hands for his final or any semi-final look-alike vote. His book about the Gumby show and the defense of his voting is to be published later this year to coincide with an 87-city publicity tour and talk show circuit (watch for upcoming press release).

Gumby Catches Whoppers

One of Gumby favorite pastimes is fishing. He doesn’t get to go very often, though, due to his hectic appearance schedule. However, Labor Day offered an opportunity to do some fishin’ in the ol’ waterin’ hole – Indian Creek. This is the same water location where Gumby performs his daily hydropathy of rubbing himself all over with water using a good stiff brush or coarse sandpaper. This produces a delightful glow if not performed to vigorously. Water therapy works wonders for health – but that’s a different topic.

Anyway, back to fishing. Gumby had one of his best days ever! Indeed, it was the biggest fish ever caught in that creek. They were longer as he was tall. When he got home he said “Gumby catch some whoppers THIS BIG” as he stretched his little plastic arms out as far as they would reach. “Make no bones about it, Gumby having catfish and tarter sauce tonight – yum yum!!”.

Gumby Goes to the Zoo

Gumby was bored around the house so he decided to go to the zoo with his pony Pokey. Other than watching cable TV shows, like National Geographic and Animal Planet, Gumby had never before seen wild animals in real life (such is the life of a celebrity!).

Advertised for that weekend was a White Elephant Sale. Even though his preference would be a green elephant, a white elephant would make a pretty cool pet as Gumby has a large back yard. Alas, they were out of white elephants (the red elephant was not for sale).

The animals became very excited upon seeing Gumby and most broke out of their cages or bounded over their fences. This sent visitors and staff helter-shelter to get out of the way of the roaring lion, the hissing python, and the thundering hippo. Big Red (the elephant) and Yellow Fellow (the giraffe) were pleased as punch to pose with Gumby for a photo opportunity.

The giraffe exclaimed “I never in the whole wide world believed I would EVER see Gumby in person. This is da bomb!!! The elephant was overheard saying “That Gumby – he’s bootylicious”.

Police Dragnet Gathers Gumby

Gumby was out running an errand this week (returning loungewear to Victoria’s Secret, but that’s another story) and was stopped at a police checkpoint. They were looking for a DeLorean DMC-12 which is exactly what Gumby was driving that day. They were looking for someone in a loud green shirt who had just robbed a Circle K 15 minutes earlier.

Matching the description exactly, the police hauled Gumby “downtown” for a police line-up. Gumby was beside himself with embarrassment and humiliation. He covered his head as they took him in the building to shield his face from the paparazzi’s cameras. It did not work, for pictures were splashed all over the internet faster than you can say “salt pork”.

After viewing the suspects caught in the police dragnet, the convenience store clerk ID’ed the man in the yellow suit – there was no green shirt! Apparently his English is not too good and he got words for the colors mixed up. As Gumby left the police station he said “He no good witness. He ain’t got no good colors!”

Gumbelina Uncovered

In response to overwhelming outcries from the public, this blog in cooperation with TMZ (you know – the paparazzi people) and gossip columnist Rona Barrett investigated the past activities of Gumbelina, Gumby’s little sister.

During the time when the entire family appeared as the typical American family on Gumby’s TV series, a competing TV series, The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet, was shot in Studio 4 right next to Gumby’s show in Studio 3. Gumbelina began dating teen idol Ricky Nelson. This forbidden love affair with Ricky was discovered when Ricky appeared to have on green lipstick. In fact, he and Gumbelina had been necking and she rubbed off on him. BUSTED!!!

Gusby became overly strict with his daughter and this led her to flee to the northern California commune with a toy named Buzz. Buzz later appeared in the movie Toy Story as Buzz Lightyear, the popular sci-fi action figure. Gumbelina enjoyed raising asparagus because it reminder her of herself: green, slender, hot, and about 6 inches tall. Her interest as an animal lover led her to raise pigs evacuated from Vietnam at the end of the war. They became potbellied as a result of drinking too much beer which was home-made in vast quantities at the commune.

Once she got over the hippie commune thing, she left Buzz (who had become abusive) and ended up in the San Fernando Valley. Her good looks and unique green features landed her roles in 7 porn movies with a reputation as one of the best boy toys. She won an award for her role in “Gumbelina Does Gainesville”. While earning great sums of money, she squandered it on fast men, fast cars, and fast food.

No one is sure how she ended up in Hutto, Texas – whether she lived there or was just passing through. The sighting at the local biker’s bar was when she was riding the mechanical bull. As she held on the bucking behemoth with one little green hand, she was allegedly heard to say “Turn it up all the way, Wes!” If you know Gumbelina’s current whereabouts, please contact this blog.

Gumby’s Family

Many of you have been asking about Gumby’s background and family. Gumby was born in 1956 and at the tender age of one had his own NBC series. His father, Gusby, spent 10 years as a dock worker in Westport, MO unloading steamboats. After Gumby’s TV series began, Gusby became a hedge fund manager in part to manage Gumby’s substantial income.

Before getting married, Gumby’s mother, Gabby, was an exotic dancer at Miss Lulu’s Afternoon Tea Sipping Society and Flea Market. Gusby was Gabby best customer and he figured it would be much less expensive just to marry her (and it was true). When Gumby was born he weighed 1.3 ounces. Gabby is reported to have said “Isn’t he the cutest little lump of clay you ever saw!” She relished her role as a stay at home Mom.

Three years after Gumby was born, little sister Gumbelina came into the world. She and her parents appeared on Gumby’s TV series on a regular basis showing what it was like to be a typical American family. During the late 60s-early 70s, Gumbelina dropped out of public view to live in a northern California commune where she cultivated asparagus and Vietnamese Potbellied Pigs. She is a past President of NAPPA, the North American Potbellied Pig Association and a founding member of the National Potbellied Pig Registry.

Fast forward to today: Gusby is currently serving a 15-25 year sentence at the United States Penitentiary in Leavenworth for investor fraud relating to his hedge fund. To make ends meet, Gabby returned as an exotic dancer at the Hilltop Retirement Home and Bingo Parlor. After leaving the commune, Gumbelina starred in several porn movies and was last seen about five years ago in a Hutto, Texas biker’s bar, north of Austin. Gumby continues to be a successful celebrity appearing in numerous TV guest roles and as spokestoy for The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Vietnamese Potbellied Pigs (ASPCVPBP).

July 4th Incident

Tragedy struck the evening of July 4. As a result of defective fireworks, Gumby suffered extensive injuries when a so-called M-80 firecracker exploded while still in Gumby’s mouth. Gumby remembers putting the M-80 in his mouth, but it remains unclear how or who lit the dangerous explosive device. Major trauma occurred to his head and will require extensive plastic surgery to repair. Special “Gumby green plastic” is being expedited from the factory specifically for the surgery.

Fortunately the BIC lighter found in Gumby’s hand did not explode, otherwise, “his hand may have needed to be amputated” said first responders. As it is, just his head needs rebuilding. Get-well cards may be addressed to Gumby at PO Box 1G.

Addendum: Betty Boop, Gumby’s legal representative, quickly released a statement reiterating that it is clearly defective fireworks which are at fault. A major law suit is being prepared against some guy named “Black Cat”. She additionally rejected witness accounts that Gumby was shit-faced drunk at the time after drinking 5 Falstaff beers, 2 glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon (1970 vintage), a hard lemonade, and 3 glasses of other recreational drugs of choice. Betty stated “Everybody knows Gumby can hold his booze. Alcohol has no affect on plastic.”

Gumby vs SpongeBob SquarePants

It started innocently enough – Gumby and SpongeBob used to be good friends. Some comment was made about fitting a square peg into a round hole. This led to an innocent comment by Gumby that the round hole, having a curved edge, was better than the square peg. SpongeBob SquarePants took exception to this stating that straight squared edges were nature’s perfect shape.

Well, with Gumby and SpongeBob both having tremendous egos…one thing led to another. It quickly surpassed personal opinions to academic arguments, each bringing in engineering professors and experts to state their case of the perfect shape. It escalated to a blood feud, each perceiving himself to have been attacked, insulted and wronged by the other.

Sometimes, Gumby gets so mad he could spit, if he were able to spit. SpongeBob, on the other hand, is easily frightened. While resilient, he is easily squeezed into other shapes and can be torn. Actually, he’s quite a mamby pamby. And – to be perfectly honest – who can take a sponge seriously.

Kick him in his square pants Gumby!

Gumby to star in new HBO movie

All right – all right. I know it’s been a while since the last Gumby posting. Sorry ‘bout that. But he’s been very busy filming a new motion picture. It’s an epic sci-fi story about rescuing a curvaceous Princess (portrayed by Angelina Jolie) of the planet Nakanaka from the evil Darth Newt. Along the way he encounters alien mercenaries, flesh eating nanoprobes, and befriends young Sal from the planet Monella. Together they dispatch the evil ones and win the day.

There are 2,302 hours of raw footage to edit down to 40 final hours. Intended to be the “Saving Private Ryan” of space movies, it contains accurately portrayed and graphic footage of hyper light speed travel, passages through black holes, and aliens being blown to atoms (in space no one can hear you scream). It will look more like a documentary than a fictional movie. In the dramatic climax Gumby exclaims, “Newt not Gumby’s father!” Oops – maybe I’ve given too much away.

Pictured here in an exclusive photo is our hero Gumby manning the Onknocknar intergalactic death cannon. Don’t pull the trigger yet, Gumby! Not to give away any movie secrets, let’s just say this weapon does bad things to the bad guys. Look for the first of twenty 2-hour installments on HBO starting in summer of 2010.

Got Gumby Game?

As a late season roster addition by the LA Lakers NBA franchise, Gumby has excelled in his power forward position. ESPN sports analyst and former NBA star, Jamal “Stinky” Steintree, states the obvious “The Lakers would not be in the playoffs today and doing as well as they are without Gumby!”

The secret to Gumby’s playoff leading scoring is his ability to quickly run around the court without being stepped on, and then jump up on the shoulder of a team member, like Kobe Bryant, to receive the assist pass. The slam dunk from this position is a sure thing. Yao Ming, Houston Rockets 7 foot 6 inches player, bemoans the tactic “He so small I can’t see him”.

Somewhat hampered by lack of tattoos, Gumby applied a large temporary tattoo of a rose covered with a skull and crossbones at the end of the regular season. This resulted in an increase of 7% in playoff scoring; however, fouls by Gumby increased 23%.

In a bizarre NBA fine, Gumby was penalized $10,000 for allegedly poking his finger in Utah Jazz player Carlos Boozer’s eye. Gumby decried the fine and expressed his disbelief in a press conference exclaiming “Gumby got no fingers!”

The NBA playoffs continue.

Gumby Goes Green

Cause De Jours Sees Double Green
Gumberg Daily News - PR News Release

At a news conference today, publicity agent for Gumby the Amazing Plastic Being, announced the “First Annual South Kansas City Between 99th St and 107th St International Green Summit”. Sponsors, organizers, and keynote speakers at the summit are Gumby and the GEICO Gecko.

Gecko, the well known televised spokeslizard, states “If you want to understand what South Kansas City Between 99th St and 107th St is doing to create healthy communities and a vibrant, green economy, you can’t miss this Green Summit. This is the event for anyone who wants to be part of a green revolution that is changing the world.”

Gumby admits that he finds himself at the nexus of change. His personal goal is to be carbon neutral by 2015, and is already well on his way to achieving the goal. Since last year, he has launched his second phase solar project at Pokey’s house, Gumby’s best friend and red clay pony. After Pokey’s unfortunate melting incident, Gumby redoubled his efforts to perfect the solar heat projection system. Pokey is expected to make a full recovery in 5-7 months.

The term "green" has come to represent a common “greenprint” for citizens, businesses, and governments for how we can move towards a more sustainable future. The Green Summit is designed to greatly accelerate this movement. Privately, Gumby acknowledges that making some cash from registration fees will certainly help stimulate his economy.

Salvador Greenberg, author of “Go Green or Die”, said at the news conference “there is no better one-two punch for the International green movement than Gecko and Gumby. They are small, cute, internationally recognizable, and most importantly, green.”

The final location for the summit is not yet finalized, however sources close to the decision suggest the leading contender is the local cemetery on Holmes Road, as it has much green grass and a low wet area of ground for the gecko.

By contributing staff writer Ben Dover

Bounty Hunter Catches Robbers in the Act

After a reign of havoc throughout the Midwest that included bank robberies and car jackings, the leaders of the gang called “The Bags” were brought to justice by famed bounty hunter “Get ‘em Gumby”.

Three men entered a Kansas City bank, one stayed behind the wheel of the idling getaway car. The robbers inside the bank were thwarted when acting cashier I. Ben Taken refused to open the safe, falsely claiming that it was secured by a time lock even as they held a bowie knife to his throat and cracked his skull with a pistol butt. Meanwhile, Gumby having been tipped off by an informant of the impending robbery waited outside the bank hiding behind a pop-up sprinkler head.

The three desperados burst out of the bank and a hail of lead filled the air. The robbers dressed in full body amour and used modified Romanian AK-47 automatic rifles with a 100-round drum magazine which they reloaded several times. Gumby was shielded only by his shiny waterproof plastic outer coating and armed with his trusty Daisy Red Rider BB Rifle Model 1938 with rapid leverage action.

When the smoke cleared the two gang leaders, Bloody Bill Anderson and Big Bad Bob, lay dead in the parking lot next to a bullet-riddled 1970 AMC Gremlin. The other two bandits barely escaped, leaving their two dead companions behind. Exclusively pictured here with Gumby are the two gang leaders laid out in their death pose for the cable news - never again to strike fear into the hearts of the banking public. Gumby collected $243,000 reward for his part – not a bad day’s work in this economy.

Disco Gumby

Disco Gumby - yep that’s his new name. His natural singing ability showed through over the weekend at a karaoke contest in a Ft. Scott ugly bar. The long line of previous singers fell by the wayside in this karaoke battle royal. Gumby came out ready to rumble for this singing smackdown.

The howling crowd grew decidedly quieter and attentive as they soaked in his first song “I'm Your Boogie Man”. His second number “Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?” caused several females in the audience to swoon and faint. One hit her head on a table and paramedics were called. The other contestants looked at each other in dumbfounded disbelief – this guy is REALLY good! The entire room was in tears as he finished with a heart rendering version of Kermit the Frog’s “It Ain’t Easy Being Green”.

As he leapt off the platform, he concluded by shouting “Long live disco!!” He immediately left the building in the company of a buxom brunette who wore a feathered cowboy hat, elephant-skin boots, a large silver belt buckle, a nose ring, and jeans so tight you could ice skate on them.

Helping at the Food Pantry

Gumby, being a civic-minded toy, likes to help other toys (and people, too). So he went and helped at the local food panty. Gumby is ideally suited for stacking food from one area to another. In one afternoon he moved 32,107 cans of food, one can at a time! To prevent injury while performing this work, he warms up by stretching up to one and a half times his height.

It turns out that since Gumby is made of superior plastic, he has a high cross-section ratio of muscle. The reason is related to the so-called Square-Cube Law. Basically, the amount of force a muscle can generate is proportional to the square of the size [the cross sectional area of the muscle] but the weight is proportional to the cube of the size [the volume].

This means that Gumby is very strong. I observed him once when he didn’t know I was looking. He admired himself flexing his muscles in a full length mirror and said using a realistic Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, “GUMBY IS STRONGEST TOY IN WORLD!”

The Life of a Rodeo Cowtoy

Partly for fun and partly as a job possibility, Gumby tried his hand at being a rodeo cowboy. Rodeos include calf roping, steer wrestling, bareback duck riding, and bull riding. Gumby thumbs his nose (technical note: Gumby only has thumbs, no fingers) at those goody-two-shoes who oppose rodeos. Animal rights and animal welfare advocates argue that various competitions constitute animal cruelty. To that Gumby says “Phooey!” and an extra dose of “people should mind their own *&%#! business”. After a weekend of rodeoing, Gumby has decided not to pursue it as a profession. While it does provide much attention from the attractive cowgirls in the audience, he discovered that riding a wild duck is quite gum-jarring and potentially dangerous. Gumby states the obvious, “Gumby head hurt when keep hitting ground”.

April Fool!

Spring is in the air! And so is romance. After a short, whirlwind courtship (five hours), Barbie the international fashion model and Gumby were wedded in holy matrimony. The bride’s processional was an incredible moment, as memorable to everyone involved as the vows or any other part of the ceremony. Barbie chose a very special song – Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies. There was nary a dry eye in the house. Barbie and Gumby plan on living in a spacious two-story cowboy-boot shoebox.
(April Fool! You should have known this was not true because Barbie is already married to that freeloader Ken.)

Gumby Loves a Cold Plunge

Ah! Cold – snow – ice! These are things that Gumby loves. Originally, Gumby came from the small village of Muodoslompolo, in the northeast corner of Sweden. People from here have the unique characteristic of being green instead of blond. And there’s nothing like a refreshing cold ice bath to wake you up in the morning. Gumby misses his Swedish home (but is happy with his adopted home – Kansas City).

A New Beginning

Gumby’s chronicles begin TODAY! Today Gumby offered his own resignation (see signed General Release Agreement) in a show of solidarity for Steve being laid-off. Courage like this has not been seen since Lech Wałęsa of Poland during the 1980s. His first non-communist trade union in a communist country, Solidarity, created a ground swell of social movement. It remains to be seen if the “Gumbys” of the world will united to reverse the crumbling U.S. economy – only time will tell. In the meantime, Gumby walks the talk: “Steve no work, Gumby no work!” My goodness - that’s a mark of a true leader!!