Gumby vs SpongeBob SquarePants

It started innocently enough – Gumby and SpongeBob used to be good friends. Some comment was made about fitting a square peg into a round hole. This led to an innocent comment by Gumby that the round hole, having a curved edge, was better than the square peg. SpongeBob SquarePants took exception to this stating that straight squared edges were nature’s perfect shape.

Well, with Gumby and SpongeBob both having tremendous egos…one thing led to another. It quickly surpassed personal opinions to academic arguments, each bringing in engineering professors and experts to state their case of the perfect shape. It escalated to a blood feud, each perceiving himself to have been attacked, insulted and wronged by the other.

Sometimes, Gumby gets so mad he could spit, if he were able to spit. SpongeBob, on the other hand, is easily frightened. While resilient, he is easily squeezed into other shapes and can be torn. Actually, he’s quite a mamby pamby. And – to be perfectly honest – who can take a sponge seriously.

Kick him in his square pants Gumby!

Gumby to star in new HBO movie

All right – all right. I know it’s been a while since the last Gumby posting. Sorry ‘bout that. But he’s been very busy filming a new motion picture. It’s an epic sci-fi story about rescuing a curvaceous Princess (portrayed by Angelina Jolie) of the planet Nakanaka from the evil Darth Newt. Along the way he encounters alien mercenaries, flesh eating nanoprobes, and befriends young Sal from the planet Monella. Together they dispatch the evil ones and win the day.

There are 2,302 hours of raw footage to edit down to 40 final hours. Intended to be the “Saving Private Ryan” of space movies, it contains accurately portrayed and graphic footage of hyper light speed travel, passages through black holes, and aliens being blown to atoms (in space no one can hear you scream). It will look more like a documentary than a fictional movie. In the dramatic climax Gumby exclaims, “Newt not Gumby’s father!” Oops – maybe I’ve given too much away.

Pictured here in an exclusive photo is our hero Gumby manning the Onknocknar intergalactic death cannon. Don’t pull the trigger yet, Gumby! Not to give away any movie secrets, let’s just say this weapon does bad things to the bad guys. Look for the first of twenty 2-hour installments on HBO starting in summer of 2010.

Got Gumby Game?

As a late season roster addition by the LA Lakers NBA franchise, Gumby has excelled in his power forward position. ESPN sports analyst and former NBA star, Jamal “Stinky” Steintree, states the obvious “The Lakers would not be in the playoffs today and doing as well as they are without Gumby!”

The secret to Gumby’s playoff leading scoring is his ability to quickly run around the court without being stepped on, and then jump up on the shoulder of a team member, like Kobe Bryant, to receive the assist pass. The slam dunk from this position is a sure thing. Yao Ming, Houston Rockets 7 foot 6 inches player, bemoans the tactic “He so small I can’t see him”.

Somewhat hampered by lack of tattoos, Gumby applied a large temporary tattoo of a rose covered with a skull and crossbones at the end of the regular season. This resulted in an increase of 7% in playoff scoring; however, fouls by Gumby increased 23%.

In a bizarre NBA fine, Gumby was penalized $10,000 for allegedly poking his finger in Utah Jazz player Carlos Boozer’s eye. Gumby decried the fine and expressed his disbelief in a press conference exclaiming “Gumby got no fingers!”

The NBA playoffs continue.

Gumby Goes Green

Cause De Jours Sees Double Green
Gumberg Daily News - PR News Release

At a news conference today, publicity agent for Gumby the Amazing Plastic Being, announced the “First Annual South Kansas City Between 99th St and 107th St International Green Summit”. Sponsors, organizers, and keynote speakers at the summit are Gumby and the GEICO Gecko.

Gecko, the well known televised spokeslizard, states “If you want to understand what South Kansas City Between 99th St and 107th St is doing to create healthy communities and a vibrant, green economy, you can’t miss this Green Summit. This is the event for anyone who wants to be part of a green revolution that is changing the world.”

Gumby admits that he finds himself at the nexus of change. His personal goal is to be carbon neutral by 2015, and is already well on his way to achieving the goal. Since last year, he has launched his second phase solar project at Pokey’s house, Gumby’s best friend and red clay pony. After Pokey’s unfortunate melting incident, Gumby redoubled his efforts to perfect the solar heat projection system. Pokey is expected to make a full recovery in 5-7 months.

The term "green" has come to represent a common “greenprint” for citizens, businesses, and governments for how we can move towards a more sustainable future. The Green Summit is designed to greatly accelerate this movement. Privately, Gumby acknowledges that making some cash from registration fees will certainly help stimulate his economy.

Salvador Greenberg, author of “Go Green or Die”, said at the news conference “there is no better one-two punch for the International green movement than Gecko and Gumby. They are small, cute, internationally recognizable, and most importantly, green.”

The final location for the summit is not yet finalized, however sources close to the decision suggest the leading contender is the local cemetery on Holmes Road, as it has much green grass and a low wet area of ground for the gecko.

By contributing staff writer Ben Dover

Bounty Hunter Catches Robbers in the Act

After a reign of havoc throughout the Midwest that included bank robberies and car jackings, the leaders of the gang called “The Bags” were brought to justice by famed bounty hunter “Get ‘em Gumby”.

Three men entered a Kansas City bank, one stayed behind the wheel of the idling getaway car. The robbers inside the bank were thwarted when acting cashier I. Ben Taken refused to open the safe, falsely claiming that it was secured by a time lock even as they held a bowie knife to his throat and cracked his skull with a pistol butt. Meanwhile, Gumby having been tipped off by an informant of the impending robbery waited outside the bank hiding behind a pop-up sprinkler head.

The three desperados burst out of the bank and a hail of lead filled the air. The robbers dressed in full body amour and used modified Romanian AK-47 automatic rifles with a 100-round drum magazine which they reloaded several times. Gumby was shielded only by his shiny waterproof plastic outer coating and armed with his trusty Daisy Red Rider BB Rifle Model 1938 with rapid leverage action.

When the smoke cleared the two gang leaders, Bloody Bill Anderson and Big Bad Bob, lay dead in the parking lot next to a bullet-riddled 1970 AMC Gremlin. The other two bandits barely escaped, leaving their two dead companions behind. Exclusively pictured here with Gumby are the two gang leaders laid out in their death pose for the cable news - never again to strike fear into the hearts of the banking public. Gumby collected $243,000 reward for his part – not a bad day’s work in this economy.

Disco Gumby

Disco Gumby - yep that’s his new name. His natural singing ability showed through over the weekend at a karaoke contest in a Ft. Scott ugly bar. The long line of previous singers fell by the wayside in this karaoke battle royal. Gumby came out ready to rumble for this singing smackdown.

The howling crowd grew decidedly quieter and attentive as they soaked in his first song “I'm Your Boogie Man”. His second number “Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?” caused several females in the audience to swoon and faint. One hit her head on a table and paramedics were called. The other contestants looked at each other in dumbfounded disbelief – this guy is REALLY good! The entire room was in tears as he finished with a heart rendering version of Kermit the Frog’s “It Ain’t Easy Being Green”.

As he leapt off the platform, he concluded by shouting “Long live disco!!” He immediately left the building in the company of a buxom brunette who wore a feathered cowboy hat, elephant-skin boots, a large silver belt buckle, a nose ring, and jeans so tight you could ice skate on them.

Helping at the Food Pantry

Gumby, being a civic-minded toy, likes to help other toys (and people, too). So he went and helped at the local food panty. Gumby is ideally suited for stacking food from one area to another. In one afternoon he moved 32,107 cans of food, one can at a time! To prevent injury while performing this work, he warms up by stretching up to one and a half times his height.

It turns out that since Gumby is made of superior plastic, he has a high cross-section ratio of muscle. The reason is related to the so-called Square-Cube Law. Basically, the amount of force a muscle can generate is proportional to the square of the size [the cross sectional area of the muscle] but the weight is proportional to the cube of the size [the volume].

This means that Gumby is very strong. I observed him once when he didn’t know I was looking. He admired himself flexing his muscles in a full length mirror and said using a realistic Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, “GUMBY IS STRONGEST TOY IN WORLD!”