Gumbelina Uncovered

In response to overwhelming outcries from the public, this blog in cooperation with TMZ (you know – the paparazzi people) and gossip columnist Rona Barrett investigated the past activities of Gumbelina, Gumby’s little sister.

During the time when the entire family appeared as the typical American family on Gumby’s TV series, a competing TV series, The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet, was shot in Studio 4 right next to Gumby’s show in Studio 3. Gumbelina began dating teen idol Ricky Nelson. This forbidden love affair with Ricky was discovered when Ricky appeared to have on green lipstick. In fact, he and Gumbelina had been necking and she rubbed off on him. BUSTED!!!

Gusby became overly strict with his daughter and this led her to flee to the northern California commune with a toy named Buzz. Buzz later appeared in the movie Toy Story as Buzz Lightyear, the popular sci-fi action figure. Gumbelina enjoyed raising asparagus because it reminder her of herself: green, slender, hot, and about 6 inches tall. Her interest as an animal lover led her to raise pigs evacuated from Vietnam at the end of the war. They became potbellied as a result of drinking too much beer which was home-made in vast quantities at the commune.

Once she got over the hippie commune thing, she left Buzz (who had become abusive) and ended up in the San Fernando Valley. Her good looks and unique green features landed her roles in 7 porn movies with a reputation as one of the best boy toys. She won an award for her role in “Gumbelina Does Gainesville”. While earning great sums of money, she squandered it on fast men, fast cars, and fast food.

No one is sure how she ended up in Hutto, Texas – whether she lived there or was just passing through. The sighting at the local biker’s bar was when she was riding the mechanical bull. As she held on the bucking behemoth with one little green hand, she was allegedly heard to say “Turn it up all the way, Wes!” If you know Gumbelina’s current whereabouts, please contact this blog.

Gumby’s Family

Many of you have been asking about Gumby’s background and family. Gumby was born in 1956 and at the tender age of one had his own NBC series. His father, Gusby, spent 10 years as a dock worker in Westport, MO unloading steamboats. After Gumby’s TV series began, Gusby became a hedge fund manager in part to manage Gumby’s substantial income.

Before getting married, Gumby’s mother, Gabby, was an exotic dancer at Miss Lulu’s Afternoon Tea Sipping Society and Flea Market. Gusby was Gabby best customer and he figured it would be much less expensive just to marry her (and it was true). When Gumby was born he weighed 1.3 ounces. Gabby is reported to have said “Isn’t he the cutest little lump of clay you ever saw!” She relished her role as a stay at home Mom.

Three years after Gumby was born, little sister Gumbelina came into the world. She and her parents appeared on Gumby’s TV series on a regular basis showing what it was like to be a typical American family. During the late 60s-early 70s, Gumbelina dropped out of public view to live in a northern California commune where she cultivated asparagus and Vietnamese Potbellied Pigs. She is a past President of NAPPA, the North American Potbellied Pig Association and a founding member of the National Potbellied Pig Registry.

Fast forward to today: Gusby is currently serving a 15-25 year sentence at the United States Penitentiary in Leavenworth for investor fraud relating to his hedge fund. To make ends meet, Gabby returned as an exotic dancer at the Hilltop Retirement Home and Bingo Parlor. After leaving the commune, Gumbelina starred in several porn movies and was last seen about five years ago in a Hutto, Texas biker’s bar, north of Austin. Gumby continues to be a successful celebrity appearing in numerous TV guest roles and as spokestoy for The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Vietnamese Potbellied Pigs (ASPCVPBP).

July 4th Incident

Tragedy struck the evening of July 4. As a result of defective fireworks, Gumby suffered extensive injuries when a so-called M-80 firecracker exploded while still in Gumby’s mouth. Gumby remembers putting the M-80 in his mouth, but it remains unclear how or who lit the dangerous explosive device. Major trauma occurred to his head and will require extensive plastic surgery to repair. Special “Gumby green plastic” is being expedited from the factory specifically for the surgery.

Fortunately the BIC lighter found in Gumby’s hand did not explode, otherwise, “his hand may have needed to be amputated” said first responders. As it is, just his head needs rebuilding. Get-well cards may be addressed to Gumby at PO Box 1G.

Addendum: Betty Boop, Gumby’s legal representative, quickly released a statement reiterating that it is clearly defective fireworks which are at fault. A major law suit is being prepared against some guy named “Black Cat”. She additionally rejected witness accounts that Gumby was shit-faced drunk at the time after drinking 5 Falstaff beers, 2 glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon (1970 vintage), a hard lemonade, and 3 glasses of other recreational drugs of choice. Betty stated “Everybody knows Gumby can hold his booze. Alcohol has no affect on plastic.”

Gumby vs SpongeBob SquarePants

It started innocently enough – Gumby and SpongeBob used to be good friends. Some comment was made about fitting a square peg into a round hole. This led to an innocent comment by Gumby that the round hole, having a curved edge, was better than the square peg. SpongeBob SquarePants took exception to this stating that straight squared edges were nature’s perfect shape.

Well, with Gumby and SpongeBob both having tremendous egos…one thing led to another. It quickly surpassed personal opinions to academic arguments, each bringing in engineering professors and experts to state their case of the perfect shape. It escalated to a blood feud, each perceiving himself to have been attacked, insulted and wronged by the other.

Sometimes, Gumby gets so mad he could spit, if he were able to spit. SpongeBob, on the other hand, is easily frightened. While resilient, he is easily squeezed into other shapes and can be torn. Actually, he’s quite a mamby pamby. And – to be perfectly honest – who can take a sponge seriously.

Kick him in his square pants Gumby!

Gumby to star in new HBO movie

All right – all right. I know it’s been a while since the last Gumby posting. Sorry ‘bout that. But he’s been very busy filming a new motion picture. It’s an epic sci-fi story about rescuing a curvaceous Princess (portrayed by Angelina Jolie) of the planet Nakanaka from the evil Darth Newt. Along the way he encounters alien mercenaries, flesh eating nanoprobes, and befriends young Sal from the planet Monella. Together they dispatch the evil ones and win the day.

There are 2,302 hours of raw footage to edit down to 40 final hours. Intended to be the “Saving Private Ryan” of space movies, it contains accurately portrayed and graphic footage of hyper light speed travel, passages through black holes, and aliens being blown to atoms (in space no one can hear you scream). It will look more like a documentary than a fictional movie. In the dramatic climax Gumby exclaims, “Newt not Gumby’s father!” Oops – maybe I’ve given too much away.

Pictured here in an exclusive photo is our hero Gumby manning the Onknocknar intergalactic death cannon. Don’t pull the trigger yet, Gumby! Not to give away any movie secrets, let’s just say this weapon does bad things to the bad guys. Look for the first of twenty 2-hour installments on HBO starting in summer of 2010.

Got Gumby Game?

As a late season roster addition by the LA Lakers NBA franchise, Gumby has excelled in his power forward position. ESPN sports analyst and former NBA star, Jamal “Stinky” Steintree, states the obvious “The Lakers would not be in the playoffs today and doing as well as they are without Gumby!”

The secret to Gumby’s playoff leading scoring is his ability to quickly run around the court without being stepped on, and then jump up on the shoulder of a team member, like Kobe Bryant, to receive the assist pass. The slam dunk from this position is a sure thing. Yao Ming, Houston Rockets 7 foot 6 inches player, bemoans the tactic “He so small I can’t see him”.

Somewhat hampered by lack of tattoos, Gumby applied a large temporary tattoo of a rose covered with a skull and crossbones at the end of the regular season. This resulted in an increase of 7% in playoff scoring; however, fouls by Gumby increased 23%.

In a bizarre NBA fine, Gumby was penalized $10,000 for allegedly poking his finger in Utah Jazz player Carlos Boozer’s eye. Gumby decried the fine and expressed his disbelief in a press conference exclaiming “Gumby got no fingers!”

The NBA playoffs continue.

Gumby Goes Green

Cause De Jours Sees Double Green
Gumberg Daily News - PR News Release

At a news conference today, publicity agent for Gumby the Amazing Plastic Being, announced the “First Annual South Kansas City Between 99th St and 107th St International Green Summit”. Sponsors, organizers, and keynote speakers at the summit are Gumby and the GEICO Gecko.

Gecko, the well known televised spokeslizard, states “If you want to understand what South Kansas City Between 99th St and 107th St is doing to create healthy communities and a vibrant, green economy, you can’t miss this Green Summit. This is the event for anyone who wants to be part of a green revolution that is changing the world.”

Gumby admits that he finds himself at the nexus of change. His personal goal is to be carbon neutral by 2015, and is already well on his way to achieving the goal. Since last year, he has launched his second phase solar project at Pokey’s house, Gumby’s best friend and red clay pony. After Pokey’s unfortunate melting incident, Gumby redoubled his efforts to perfect the solar heat projection system. Pokey is expected to make a full recovery in 5-7 months.

The term "green" has come to represent a common “greenprint” for citizens, businesses, and governments for how we can move towards a more sustainable future. The Green Summit is designed to greatly accelerate this movement. Privately, Gumby acknowledges that making some cash from registration fees will certainly help stimulate his economy.

Salvador Greenberg, author of “Go Green or Die”, said at the news conference “there is no better one-two punch for the International green movement than Gecko and Gumby. They are small, cute, internationally recognizable, and most importantly, green.”

The final location for the summit is not yet finalized, however sources close to the decision suggest the leading contender is the local cemetery on Holmes Road, as it has much green grass and a low wet area of ground for the gecko.

By contributing staff writer Ben Dover