Police Dragnet Gathers Gumby

Gumby was out running an errand this week (returning loungewear to Victoria’s Secret, but that’s another story) and was stopped at a police checkpoint. They were looking for a DeLorean DMC-12 which is exactly what Gumby was driving that day. They were looking for someone in a loud green shirt who had just robbed a Circle K 15 minutes earlier.

Matching the description exactly, the police hauled Gumby “downtown” for a police line-up. Gumby was beside himself with embarrassment and humiliation. He covered his head as they took him in the building to shield his face from the paparazzi’s cameras. It did not work, for pictures were splashed all over the internet faster than you can say “salt pork”.

After viewing the suspects caught in the police dragnet, the convenience store clerk ID’ed the man in the yellow suit – there was no green shirt! Apparently his English is not too good and he got words for the colors mixed up. As Gumby left the police station he said “He no good witness. He ain’t got no good colors!”

Gumbelina Uncovered

In response to overwhelming outcries from the public, this blog in cooperation with TMZ (you know – the paparazzi people) and gossip columnist Rona Barrett investigated the past activities of Gumbelina, Gumby’s little sister.

During the time when the entire family appeared as the typical American family on Gumby’s TV series, a competing TV series, The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet, was shot in Studio 4 right next to Gumby’s show in Studio 3. Gumbelina began dating teen idol Ricky Nelson. This forbidden love affair with Ricky was discovered when Ricky appeared to have on green lipstick. In fact, he and Gumbelina had been necking and she rubbed off on him. BUSTED!!!

Gusby became overly strict with his daughter and this led her to flee to the northern California commune with a toy named Buzz. Buzz later appeared in the movie Toy Story as Buzz Lightyear, the popular sci-fi action figure. Gumbelina enjoyed raising asparagus because it reminder her of herself: green, slender, hot, and about 6 inches tall. Her interest as an animal lover led her to raise pigs evacuated from Vietnam at the end of the war. They became potbellied as a result of drinking too much beer which was home-made in vast quantities at the commune.

Once she got over the hippie commune thing, she left Buzz (who had become abusive) and ended up in the San Fernando Valley. Her good looks and unique green features landed her roles in 7 porn movies with a reputation as one of the best boy toys. She won an award for her role in “Gumbelina Does Gainesville”. While earning great sums of money, she squandered it on fast men, fast cars, and fast food.

No one is sure how she ended up in Hutto, Texas – whether she lived there or was just passing through. The sighting at the local biker’s bar was when she was riding the mechanical bull. As she held on the bucking behemoth with one little green hand, she was allegedly heard to say “Turn it up all the way, Wes!” If you know Gumbelina’s current whereabouts, please contact this blog.

Gumby’s Family

Many of you have been asking about Gumby’s background and family. Gumby was born in 1956 and at the tender age of one had his own NBC series. His father, Gusby, spent 10 years as a dock worker in Westport, MO unloading steamboats. After Gumby’s TV series began, Gusby became a hedge fund manager in part to manage Gumby’s substantial income.

Before getting married, Gumby’s mother, Gabby, was an exotic dancer at Miss Lulu’s Afternoon Tea Sipping Society and Flea Market. Gusby was Gabby best customer and he figured it would be much less expensive just to marry her (and it was true). When Gumby was born he weighed 1.3 ounces. Gabby is reported to have said “Isn’t he the cutest little lump of clay you ever saw!” She relished her role as a stay at home Mom.

Three years after Gumby was born, little sister Gumbelina came into the world. She and her parents appeared on Gumby’s TV series on a regular basis showing what it was like to be a typical American family. During the late 60s-early 70s, Gumbelina dropped out of public view to live in a northern California commune where she cultivated asparagus and Vietnamese Potbellied Pigs. She is a past President of NAPPA, the North American Potbellied Pig Association and a founding member of the National Potbellied Pig Registry.

Fast forward to today: Gusby is currently serving a 15-25 year sentence at the United States Penitentiary in Leavenworth for investor fraud relating to his hedge fund. To make ends meet, Gabby returned as an exotic dancer at the Hilltop Retirement Home and Bingo Parlor. After leaving the commune, Gumbelina starred in several porn movies and was last seen about five years ago in a Hutto, Texas biker’s bar, north of Austin. Gumby continues to be a successful celebrity appearing in numerous TV guest roles and as spokestoy for The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Vietnamese Potbellied Pigs (ASPCVPBP).

July 4th Incident

Tragedy struck the evening of July 4. As a result of defective fireworks, Gumby suffered extensive injuries when a so-called M-80 firecracker exploded while still in Gumby’s mouth. Gumby remembers putting the M-80 in his mouth, but it remains unclear how or who lit the dangerous explosive device. Major trauma occurred to his head and will require extensive plastic surgery to repair. Special “Gumby green plastic” is being expedited from the factory specifically for the surgery.

Fortunately the BIC lighter found in Gumby’s hand did not explode, otherwise, “his hand may have needed to be amputated” said first responders. As it is, just his head needs rebuilding. Get-well cards may be addressed to Gumby at PO Box 1G.

Addendum: Betty Boop, Gumby’s legal representative, quickly released a statement reiterating that it is clearly defective fireworks which are at fault. A major law suit is being prepared against some guy named “Black Cat”. She additionally rejected witness accounts that Gumby was shit-faced drunk at the time after drinking 5 Falstaff beers, 2 glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon (1970 vintage), a hard lemonade, and 3 glasses of other recreational drugs of choice. Betty stated “Everybody knows Gumby can hold his booze. Alcohol has no affect on plastic.”