Gumbites vs Pukites

It’s a historical fact that back in the 1800s, Missourians were sometimes referred to as Pukites*. It’s a lesser known historical fact that Kansans were sometimes called Gumbites*. These two faction’s hatred of each other goes back to the pre-Civil War border war period (much like today’s Jaywalk vs Tigers sports rivalry, except today they don’t kill each other).

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your point of view), elements of both of these radical groups still exist today. Members live in the past and on average possess lower IQs. Like with a severe case of attention deficit disorder, these poor folks can only fixate and obsess over one thing at a time.

In today’s modern world of the internet, blogs, and emails, misinformation can be distributed faster than you can say Enfatinturelitism. This modern technology gives new found power and perceived importance to these radical groups.

Gumby though, always a student and friend of history, has a celebrity honorary membership to the Osawatomie Kansas chapter of the John Brown Gumbite and Red Leg Society Post 34 (so numbered for Kansas being the 34th state in the Union – admitted as a free-state).

As good fortune would have it, Gumby was at a recent John Brown meeting when, low and behold, who should pop her perky little head into the meetin’ room? None other than ex-mayor, ex-VP candidate, ex-governor, ex-front page news, ex-future-mother-in-law, celebrity-wanna-be Sarah Palin! (woo-hoo!) Gumby and all the rest of the ol’ boys were stunned like a duck hit on the head with a club. Gumby was so excited at the sight of Palin that he wet himself (just a little).
Palin was heard to say “Gosh darn it you boys are hotter than a space heater on a cold January night in Fairbanks” and called Gumby “a true American maverick”.

Shown in the exclusive photo above is a gun-totin’ Palin with Gumby and his fellow Gumbites. Afterward, Palin asked “Do you boys have a helicopter I can borrow to go wolf hunting?”

Foot notes:
*Pukite – The Dictionary of American Regional English (Vol. 4, Harvard University Press, 2002) lists 1831 as the first reference to Missourians being referred to as "pukes," while the noted Ozarks folklorist Vance Randolph discusses the origin of the term at length in his book Down in the Holler: a Gallery of Ozarks Folk Speech (University of Oklahoma Press, 1953, 1986). One theory of the origin of the term cites a story that residents of St. Louis in the early 19th century "got the pukes" from eating local wild greens, or gathered Illinois "puke­roots" to stem the sickness, thus becoming "puke-hunters" or "pukes." Randolph mentions on page 274 that residents of Arkansas & Oklahoma frequently referred to Missouri as "The Puke Territory" or the "Puke Nation."

*Gumbite – A small green toy, a follower of a small green toy, or one who professes the teachings and beliefs of a small green toy. Commonly a wearer of wool and a chapeau. Commonly armed, but not dangerous.

The Great Gumby Look-Alike Contest

In true competition fashion, Gumby hosted a cable reality show for those contestants who thought they looked like the famous (the one and only) Gumby. The show, called “Everybody Is Gumby”, started with 16 people (and other sentient beings) and one per week was voted off.

This photo shows the final two contestants; both considered favorites since the reality series began. The taller one not only had the perfect Gumby look, but also the Gumby voice down so well it made Gumby’s little plastic skin get goose bumps. He even fooled Gumby’s Mother, Gabby, in a fake phone call as part of one episode. The final winner was the small one. Exit polls from the judges table indicated the feature that won them over were the ears. The semi-finalist was heard complaining “Hey wait a darn minute! Gumby ain’t even got no ears! I had mine taken off!”

Besides host Gumby, voting judges included fellow “greenies” the GEICO Gecko, Mr Green Jeans (from the Capt Kangaroo TV show), Kermit (the frog), Paula Abdul (in green face paint), and special guest ex-politician Rod Blagojevich (as the token white guy with big hair).

Everyone was in tears during the last show while the judge’s votes were tallied and Paula Abdul sang a slow sultry version of “It Ain’t Easy Being Green”. Kermit the frog fainted from emotion and was taken to a local hospital for observation.

Blagojevich denies any money changed hands for his final or any semi-final look-alike vote. His book about the Gumby show and the defense of his voting is to be published later this year to coincide with an 87-city publicity tour and talk show circuit (watch for upcoming press release).

Gumby Catches Whoppers

One of Gumby favorite pastimes is fishing. He doesn’t get to go very often, though, due to his hectic appearance schedule. However, Labor Day offered an opportunity to do some fishin’ in the ol’ waterin’ hole – Indian Creek. This is the same water location where Gumby performs his daily hydropathy of rubbing himself all over with water using a good stiff brush or coarse sandpaper. This produces a delightful glow if not performed to vigorously. Water therapy works wonders for health – but that’s a different topic.

Anyway, back to fishing. Gumby had one of his best days ever! Indeed, it was the biggest fish ever caught in that creek. They were longer as he was tall. When he got home he said “Gumby catch some whoppers THIS BIG” as he stretched his little plastic arms out as far as they would reach. “Make no bones about it, Gumby having catfish and tarter sauce tonight – yum yum!!”.

Gumby Goes to the Zoo

Gumby was bored around the house so he decided to go to the zoo with his pony Pokey. Other than watching cable TV shows, like National Geographic and Animal Planet, Gumby had never before seen wild animals in real life (such is the life of a celebrity!).

Advertised for that weekend was a White Elephant Sale. Even though his preference would be a green elephant, a white elephant would make a pretty cool pet as Gumby has a large back yard. Alas, they were out of white elephants (the red elephant was not for sale).

The animals became very excited upon seeing Gumby and most broke out of their cages or bounded over their fences. This sent visitors and staff helter-shelter to get out of the way of the roaring lion, the hissing python, and the thundering hippo. Big Red (the elephant) and Yellow Fellow (the giraffe) were pleased as punch to pose with Gumby for a photo opportunity.

The giraffe exclaimed “I never in the whole wide world believed I would EVER see Gumby in person. This is da bomb!!! The elephant was overheard saying “That Gumby – he’s bootylicious”.

Police Dragnet Gathers Gumby

Gumby was out running an errand this week (returning loungewear to Victoria’s Secret, but that’s another story) and was stopped at a police checkpoint. They were looking for a DeLorean DMC-12 which is exactly what Gumby was driving that day. They were looking for someone in a loud green shirt who had just robbed a Circle K 15 minutes earlier.

Matching the description exactly, the police hauled Gumby “downtown” for a police line-up. Gumby was beside himself with embarrassment and humiliation. He covered his head as they took him in the building to shield his face from the paparazzi’s cameras. It did not work, for pictures were splashed all over the internet faster than you can say “salt pork”.

After viewing the suspects caught in the police dragnet, the convenience store clerk ID’ed the man in the yellow suit – there was no green shirt! Apparently his English is not too good and he got words for the colors mixed up. As Gumby left the police station he said “He no good witness. He ain’t got no good colors!”

Gumbelina Uncovered

In response to overwhelming outcries from the public, this blog in cooperation with TMZ (you know – the paparazzi people) and gossip columnist Rona Barrett investigated the past activities of Gumbelina, Gumby’s little sister.

During the time when the entire family appeared as the typical American family on Gumby’s TV series, a competing TV series, The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet, was shot in Studio 4 right next to Gumby’s show in Studio 3. Gumbelina began dating teen idol Ricky Nelson. This forbidden love affair with Ricky was discovered when Ricky appeared to have on green lipstick. In fact, he and Gumbelina had been necking and she rubbed off on him. BUSTED!!!

Gusby became overly strict with his daughter and this led her to flee to the northern California commune with a toy named Buzz. Buzz later appeared in the movie Toy Story as Buzz Lightyear, the popular sci-fi action figure. Gumbelina enjoyed raising asparagus because it reminder her of herself: green, slender, hot, and about 6 inches tall. Her interest as an animal lover led her to raise pigs evacuated from Vietnam at the end of the war. They became potbellied as a result of drinking too much beer which was home-made in vast quantities at the commune.

Once she got over the hippie commune thing, she left Buzz (who had become abusive) and ended up in the San Fernando Valley. Her good looks and unique green features landed her roles in 7 porn movies with a reputation as one of the best boy toys. She won an award for her role in “Gumbelina Does Gainesville”. While earning great sums of money, she squandered it on fast men, fast cars, and fast food.

No one is sure how she ended up in Hutto, Texas – whether she lived there or was just passing through. The sighting at the local biker’s bar was when she was riding the mechanical bull. As she held on the bucking behemoth with one little green hand, she was allegedly heard to say “Turn it up all the way, Wes!” If you know Gumbelina’s current whereabouts, please contact this blog.

Gumby’s Family

Many of you have been asking about Gumby’s background and family. Gumby was born in 1956 and at the tender age of one had his own NBC series. His father, Gusby, spent 10 years as a dock worker in Westport, MO unloading steamboats. After Gumby’s TV series began, Gusby became a hedge fund manager in part to manage Gumby’s substantial income.

Before getting married, Gumby’s mother, Gabby, was an exotic dancer at Miss Lulu’s Afternoon Tea Sipping Society and Flea Market. Gusby was Gabby best customer and he figured it would be much less expensive just to marry her (and it was true). When Gumby was born he weighed 1.3 ounces. Gabby is reported to have said “Isn’t he the cutest little lump of clay you ever saw!” She relished her role as a stay at home Mom.

Three years after Gumby was born, little sister Gumbelina came into the world. She and her parents appeared on Gumby’s TV series on a regular basis showing what it was like to be a typical American family. During the late 60s-early 70s, Gumbelina dropped out of public view to live in a northern California commune where she cultivated asparagus and Vietnamese Potbellied Pigs. She is a past President of NAPPA, the North American Potbellied Pig Association and a founding member of the National Potbellied Pig Registry.

Fast forward to today: Gusby is currently serving a 15-25 year sentence at the United States Penitentiary in Leavenworth for investor fraud relating to his hedge fund. To make ends meet, Gabby returned as an exotic dancer at the Hilltop Retirement Home and Bingo Parlor. After leaving the commune, Gumbelina starred in several porn movies and was last seen about five years ago in a Hutto, Texas biker’s bar, north of Austin. Gumby continues to be a successful celebrity appearing in numerous TV guest roles and as spokestoy for The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Vietnamese Potbellied Pigs (ASPCVPBP).