A Gumby Thanksgiving

Gumby had friends and family over for Thanksgiving: Gusby and Gabby (Dad and Mom), sister Gumbelina, GEICO Gecko, Buzz Lightyear, Paula Abdul, Tiger Woods (because he unexpectedly had his holiday plans changed), and about a dozen Gumbites from Osawatomie.

Thanks were given for the food and for not being a Pukite. Then they ate.

Not unexpectedly, everyone grossly over ate with three 13-lb turkeys, seven quarts of oyster dressing, four dozen dinner rolls, one large pot of green beans, one large pot of green peas, a case of dead things from the sea (with crackers), one gallon of gravy, 45 links of smoked salami snacks, two dozen pieces of Uncle Billy's hardtack (vintage 1864 – that was an excellent year for hardtack), two gallons of cranberry stuff, two pumpkin pies, and one pie each of apple, peach, sardines, gooseberry, and rhubarb.

Luckily knowing his guests, Gumby rented a portable authentic Roman vomitorium. After dinner as he sat watching football on TV and adjusting his waist belt, Gumby was heard saying “Thank Jesus for elastic!”

St Louis Massacre - Truth Uncovered

May 10, 1861 Riding at the head of more than 6,000 militia and U. S. Regular Infantry, pro-Union Capt. Nathaniel Lyon paid a visit to the 600-800 man pro-Confederate Missouri State Guard Camp Jackson near St Louis. Fears were strong that pro-Confederate forces would seize the St Louis Arsenal. Overwhelming numbers forced the surrender of the secessionists without a fight and the prisoners were marched through St Louis streets to the arsenal between two lines of soldiers.

For a number of reasons, this turned out not to be the best move. Enraged civilians jeered and hurled objects at the heavily German militia and in general behaved very rudely toward the pro-Unionists. During one unfortunate halt, a single shot rang out and the nervous pro-Union forces and armed public open fired on each other. Accounts vary, but 20-28 civilians were killed, including some women and children, and scores were wounded. This is known as the "St. Louis Massacre".

Common belief holds that the first shot was fired toward the soldiers by an angry drunkard with a pistol. However, recent extensive research conducted by The History Channel (in cooperation with The Military Channel and National Geographic) including modern DNA testing, uncovered the true and accurate account of what happened on the streets of St Louis. This corrected account was recently filmed in Kansas City to be shown next year on the History Channel.

Traveling with the noted Phrenologist Orson Squire Fowler, Gumby was in St Louis on that ill fated day. Phrenologist-in-training Gumby had just concluded a Phrenological examination of “Miss Lulu”, a working woman at the St Louis Social Palace and Afternoon Tea Sipping Club. This was a quid pro quo for an afternoon of pleasant society at that establishment by O. S. and his student, Gumby.

Upon hearing shouting and much commotion, they went outside to see what was occurring. They saw the prisoners, they saw small children throwing dirt clods at the soldiers, they saw the soldiers surrounded by angry people shaking their fists. The crowd was such a jostle that one unfortunate woman was knocked onto her back. Before Gumby could avert his little green eyes, he saw her ankles and petticoat. Gumby felt so ashamed!

Although the vantage point from Orson’s tall broad shoulders was extremely good, the day was windy and chilly. “Gumby’s plastic is getting hard” Gumby said. To get warm, he climbed down and snuggled into Orson’s pistol holster tighter than a tick on a hound dog. Orson carried the weapon solely for protection against thievery and occasionally to shoot stray cats for entertainment. Gumby stretched his thick green neck to view around one particularly fat German, “Gumby no can see ‘round fat Dutchy”. His foot accidentally pushed against the trigger and the pistol discharged with a deafening “BOOOOOMM”.

Gumby was so startled that he soiled himself with little green poo. “WHAT WAS THAT?!” Gumby screamed trembling in fear. Men standing near, not knowing where the shot came from, were fearful that Gumby might be hurt. They drew their weapons and formed a human shield around Orson and Gumby to protect him from stray balls of lead which began to fill the air. Better that human flesh stop a bullet than Gumby’s green plastic.

The ball of humanity moved toward the Social Palace protecting Gumby from flying lead. One man immediately fell dead from a buck-and-ball to the side of the head. A few seconds later, a second man cried out in agony as he collapsed from a .58 caliber minnie ball crashing into his knee cap.

The rest of the traditional historical account is more or less accurate. It’s this first shot description that has now set the historical record straight.

Epilog
Gumby and Orson spent the rest of the afternoon and evening safely inside, sipping tea and having social interaction with Miss Lulu and the other ladies at the Social Palace. Fortunately, the streets were cleared of the soldiers, dead, and dying by the time they left.

Reference material:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Camp_Jackson_Affair
http://www.mcwm.org/history_camp_jackson.html

Gumby and Obama declare war on swine flu

On October 24, 2009, President Obama signed a proclamation declaring the 2009 H1N1 influenza pandemic a National Emergency to facilitate our ability to respond to the pandemic. To gain additional traction on the now official swine flu national emergency, the White House asked Gumby to become involved.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said Friday, “Supply challenges aside, it appears much of the American public is not taking this swine flu stuff seriously. Barack, er, I mean President Obama himself suggested we need a spokestoy to help convince the populace to get on board with this darn thing. He could think of no one better for the job than Gumby!”

The flu outbreak allegedly has killed more than 1,000 people in the United States. Fortunately, no toys have died as a result of this flu.

"As a nation, we have prepared at all levels of government, and as individuals and communities, taking unprecedented steps to counter the emerging pandemic. One of the most effective health measures was to get Gumby on the publicity bandwagon" Obama wrote in the emergency declaration. He said the pandemic keeps evolving; however, Gumby is a constant which gives great solace and hope to all Americans. Obama added “Gumby takes the audacity of hope to an entirely new and higher level. America needs Gumby.”

Cable news pundits immediately began speculation that this was the beginning setup to have Gumby run as Vice President for Obama’s second term.

The government now estimates to have about 5 billion doses of swine flu vaccine out by mid-November. The White House estimates this is enough for 3 shots per American citizen and adequate to hoard worldwide supplies to keep vaccine from our enemies and to reward nations friendly to the United States. A spokesperson for the U.S. House of Representatives stated “Why heck, long as we done got ‘nuff fer all the Billy-Bob’s back in my neck of the woods, I really don’t give a hoot about them who can’t talk American. They ain’t voters.”

In a press conference, Gumby announced his great pleasure to help out the Prez. “Gumby no can catch virus. Gumby have no lungs to breathe those pig germs. But glad to set good example. (Ochoo!) And remember to cover mouth when you cough.” Gumby reminds us.

Ogumba

Gumby decided this year to dress as the leader of the free world, the big Prez, the Nobel Peace guy. The White House called to indicate their pride that Gumby selected the President as a costume. Coincidently, President Obama selected Gumby as a costume this year.

Gumby of Arabia

Gumby is filming a remake of the World War I classic “Lawrence of Arabia”, with Gumby playing the lead role of Lieutenant Colonel T. E. Lawrence. The Arab army is portrayed by fellow toys. In a casting coup, Omar Sharif reprises his role as Sherif Ali ibn el Kharish.

Today they were filming a major battle sequence. Gumby and his fellow toys come upon a column of retreating Turkish soldiers, who have just slaughtered the villagers of Tafas. One of Gumby’s soldiers, Buzz Lightyear, is from the village and, after seeing the carnage, he demands, “No prisoners!” When Gumby hesitates, Buzz charges the Turks by himself and is killed. Gumby takes up the dead man's cry, resulting in a massacre in which Gumby himself participates with relish (and lots of ketchup).

This photo shows Gumby charging the Turks shouting “Gumby say no prisoner! Gumby say no prisoner!” Moments after this photo was taken, Gumby bounced off his camel and nearly broke his arm. Fortunately, he could just flex it back into shape.

During an interview for Entertainment Tonight, Gumby was asked about the violent battle scenes. Gumby replied “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” The movie is expected in theaters Summer 2010 and will be rated “G” because its stars are toys.

To Serve Gumby

“Respectfully submitted for your perusal: a Keemokimoite. Height: a little over seven feet. Weight: in the neighborhood of three hundred and fifty pounds. Origin: Ozarks area U.S.A. Motives? Therein hangs the tale, for in just a moment we're going to ask you to shake hands, figuratively, with a Julia Childs from somewhere north of Toad Holler. This is … the Frying Pan Zone.”

A clan of odd looking people with large foreheads known as the Keemokimoites (key-mo-ki-mo-ites) arrived in Gumby’s town and promised to be nothing but helpful to the cause of small plastic toys. Initially wary of the intentions of such highly advanced technology, even the most skeptical toys were convinced when their code-breakers translated one of the Keemokimoite’s books with the seemingly innocuous title, "To Serve Toys”. In was written in a chicken-scratch hand writing that none of the toys could read or understand.

Sharing their advanced technology, this odd group quickly solved all of the toy’s greatest woes: wear spots, chewed arms/legs, and the need for periodic recovering. Soon, toys were volunteering for trips to the Keemokimoite’s hometown, which was supposedly a paradise.

Graciously accepting an invitation, Gumby went to their temporary camp for coffee and dinner before beginning the long trip to visit Keemokimoville in the Ozarks. Gumby ate a very filling meal of sow belly, taters, angel hair pasta, and fried sow’s ears. As he leaned back on his mountain man chair, Gumby pulled out on his flexible waistband to adjust his dinner and said “Ahhh that feels better – thank Jesus for elastic”. He was then snatched up and thrown in a frying pan to keep a large onion, some roach infested crackers, and a handful of goober peas company.

As the frying pan was being placed over the hot coals, Gumby said “Hey wait a minute. This no right. Gumby no like onions!” At that instant Gumby’s sister, Gumbelina, ran up to the edge of the camp, but was stopped by a mean looking Keemokimoite named KK.

Gumbelina screamed “Gumby… Gumby… Don’t get in that frying pan. I finally deciphered their handwriting. The book...the rest of the book — It's a cookbook!”

Well… Gumby sat up and jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. With one quick hop on a burning log (ouch!), Gumby jumped to the ground and skedaddled away from those Keemokimoites as fast as his little green legs would move. Apparently the book, "To Serve Toys", was a cookbook, and all the Keemokimoite’s gifts were simply to make toykind complacent, much like fattening pigs or cows before they are slaughtered.

“The recollections of one Gumby the toy, with appropriate flashbacks and soliloquy. Or more simply stated, the evolution of toys, the cycle of going from dust to dessert, the metamorphosis from being the ruler on TV to an ingredient in someone's soup. Gumby was lucky – this time. But who knows if Gumby – or YOU the reader – will ever end up on a Keemokimoite menu. It's tonight's "bill of fare", from the Frying Pan Zone.”

Happy 50th anniversary this week Twilight Zone.
References:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_Serve_Man_(The_Twilight_Zone) http://www.imdb.com/video/cbs/vi54853657/

Gumbites vs Pukites

It’s a historical fact that back in the 1800s, Missourians were sometimes referred to as Pukites*. It’s a lesser known historical fact that Kansans were sometimes called Gumbites*. These two faction’s hatred of each other goes back to the pre-Civil War border war period (much like today’s Jaywalk vs Tigers sports rivalry, except today they don’t kill each other).

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your point of view), elements of both of these radical groups still exist today. Members live in the past and on average possess lower IQs. Like with a severe case of attention deficit disorder, these poor folks can only fixate and obsess over one thing at a time.

In today’s modern world of the internet, blogs, and emails, misinformation can be distributed faster than you can say Enfatinturelitism. This modern technology gives new found power and perceived importance to these radical groups.

Gumby though, always a student and friend of history, has a celebrity honorary membership to the Osawatomie Kansas chapter of the John Brown Gumbite and Red Leg Society Post 34 (so numbered for Kansas being the 34th state in the Union – admitted as a free-state).

As good fortune would have it, Gumby was at a recent John Brown meeting when, low and behold, who should pop her perky little head into the meetin’ room? None other than ex-mayor, ex-VP candidate, ex-governor, ex-front page news, ex-future-mother-in-law, celebrity-wanna-be Sarah Palin! (woo-hoo!) Gumby and all the rest of the ol’ boys were stunned like a duck hit on the head with a club. Gumby was so excited at the sight of Palin that he wet himself (just a little).
Palin was heard to say “Gosh darn it you boys are hotter than a space heater on a cold January night in Fairbanks” and called Gumby “a true American maverick”.

Shown in the exclusive photo above is a gun-totin’ Palin with Gumby and his fellow Gumbites. Afterward, Palin asked “Do you boys have a helicopter I can borrow to go wolf hunting?”

Foot notes:
*Pukite – The Dictionary of American Regional English (Vol. 4, Harvard University Press, 2002) lists 1831 as the first reference to Missourians being referred to as "pukes," while the noted Ozarks folklorist Vance Randolph discusses the origin of the term at length in his book Down in the Holler: a Gallery of Ozarks Folk Speech (University of Oklahoma Press, 1953, 1986). One theory of the origin of the term cites a story that residents of St. Louis in the early 19th century "got the pukes" from eating local wild greens, or gathered Illinois "puke­roots" to stem the sickness, thus becoming "puke-hunters" or "pukes." Randolph mentions on page 274 that residents of Arkansas & Oklahoma frequently referred to Missouri as "The Puke Territory" or the "Puke Nation."

*Gumbite – A small green toy, a follower of a small green toy, or one who professes the teachings and beliefs of a small green toy. Commonly a wearer of wool and a chapeau. Commonly armed, but not dangerous.