A Gumby Thanksgiving

Gumby had friends and family over for Thanksgiving: Gusby and Gabby (Dad and Mom), sister Gumbelina, GEICO Gecko, Buzz Lightyear, Paula Abdul, Tiger Woods (because he unexpectedly had his holiday plans changed), and about a dozen Gumbites from Osawatomie.

Thanks were given for the food and for not being a Pukite. Then they ate.

Not unexpectedly, everyone grossly over ate with three 13-lb turkeys, seven quarts of oyster dressing, four dozen dinner rolls, one large pot of green beans, one large pot of green peas, a case of dead things from the sea (with crackers), one gallon of gravy, 45 links of smoked salami snacks, two dozen pieces of Uncle Billy's hardtack (vintage 1864 – that was an excellent year for hardtack), two gallons of cranberry stuff, two pumpkin pies, and one pie each of apple, peach, sardines, gooseberry, and rhubarb.

Luckily knowing his guests, Gumby rented a portable authentic Roman vomitorium. After dinner as he sat watching football on TV and adjusting his waist belt, Gumby was heard saying “Thank Jesus for elastic!”

St Louis Massacre - Truth Uncovered

May 10, 1861 Riding at the head of more than 6,000 militia and U. S. Regular Infantry, pro-Union Capt. Nathaniel Lyon paid a visit to the 600-800 man pro-Confederate Missouri State Guard Camp Jackson near St Louis. Fears were strong that pro-Confederate forces would seize the St Louis Arsenal. Overwhelming numbers forced the surrender of the secessionists without a fight and the prisoners were marched through St Louis streets to the arsenal between two lines of soldiers.

For a number of reasons, this turned out not to be the best move. Enraged civilians jeered and hurled objects at the heavily German militia and in general behaved very rudely toward the pro-Unionists. During one unfortunate halt, a single shot rang out and the nervous pro-Union forces and armed public open fired on each other. Accounts vary, but 20-28 civilians were killed, including some women and children, and scores were wounded. This is known as the "St. Louis Massacre".

Common belief holds that the first shot was fired toward the soldiers by an angry drunkard with a pistol. However, recent extensive research conducted by The History Channel (in cooperation with The Military Channel and National Geographic) including modern DNA testing, uncovered the true and accurate account of what happened on the streets of St Louis. This corrected account was recently filmed in Kansas City to be shown next year on the History Channel.

Traveling with the noted Phrenologist Orson Squire Fowler, Gumby was in St Louis on that ill fated day. Phrenologist-in-training Gumby had just concluded a Phrenological examination of “Miss Lulu”, a working woman at the St Louis Social Palace and Afternoon Tea Sipping Club. This was a quid pro quo for an afternoon of pleasant society at that establishment by O. S. and his student, Gumby.

Upon hearing shouting and much commotion, they went outside to see what was occurring. They saw the prisoners, they saw small children throwing dirt clods at the soldiers, they saw the soldiers surrounded by angry people shaking their fists. The crowd was such a jostle that one unfortunate woman was knocked onto her back. Before Gumby could avert his little green eyes, he saw her ankles and petticoat. Gumby felt so ashamed!

Although the vantage point from Orson’s tall broad shoulders was extremely good, the day was windy and chilly. “Gumby’s plastic is getting hard” Gumby said. To get warm, he climbed down and snuggled into Orson’s pistol holster tighter than a tick on a hound dog. Orson carried the weapon solely for protection against thievery and occasionally to shoot stray cats for entertainment. Gumby stretched his thick green neck to view around one particularly fat German, “Gumby no can see ‘round fat Dutchy”. His foot accidentally pushed against the trigger and the pistol discharged with a deafening “BOOOOOMM”.

Gumby was so startled that he soiled himself with little green poo. “WHAT WAS THAT?!” Gumby screamed trembling in fear. Men standing near, not knowing where the shot came from, were fearful that Gumby might be hurt. They drew their weapons and formed a human shield around Orson and Gumby to protect him from stray balls of lead which began to fill the air. Better that human flesh stop a bullet than Gumby’s green plastic.

The ball of humanity moved toward the Social Palace protecting Gumby from flying lead. One man immediately fell dead from a buck-and-ball to the side of the head. A few seconds later, a second man cried out in agony as he collapsed from a .58 caliber minnie ball crashing into his knee cap.

The rest of the traditional historical account is more or less accurate. It’s this first shot description that has now set the historical record straight.

Epilog
Gumby and Orson spent the rest of the afternoon and evening safely inside, sipping tea and having social interaction with Miss Lulu and the other ladies at the Social Palace. Fortunately, the streets were cleared of the soldiers, dead, and dying by the time they left.

Reference material:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Camp_Jackson_Affair
http://www.mcwm.org/history_camp_jackson.html

Gumby and Obama declare war on swine flu

On October 24, 2009, President Obama signed a proclamation declaring the 2009 H1N1 influenza pandemic a National Emergency to facilitate our ability to respond to the pandemic. To gain additional traction on the now official swine flu national emergency, the White House asked Gumby to become involved.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said Friday, “Supply challenges aside, it appears much of the American public is not taking this swine flu stuff seriously. Barack, er, I mean President Obama himself suggested we need a spokestoy to help convince the populace to get on board with this darn thing. He could think of no one better for the job than Gumby!”

The flu outbreak allegedly has killed more than 1,000 people in the United States. Fortunately, no toys have died as a result of this flu.

"As a nation, we have prepared at all levels of government, and as individuals and communities, taking unprecedented steps to counter the emerging pandemic. One of the most effective health measures was to get Gumby on the publicity bandwagon" Obama wrote in the emergency declaration. He said the pandemic keeps evolving; however, Gumby is a constant which gives great solace and hope to all Americans. Obama added “Gumby takes the audacity of hope to an entirely new and higher level. America needs Gumby.”

Cable news pundits immediately began speculation that this was the beginning setup to have Gumby run as Vice President for Obama’s second term.

The government now estimates to have about 5 billion doses of swine flu vaccine out by mid-November. The White House estimates this is enough for 3 shots per American citizen and adequate to hoard worldwide supplies to keep vaccine from our enemies and to reward nations friendly to the United States. A spokesperson for the U.S. House of Representatives stated “Why heck, long as we done got ‘nuff fer all the Billy-Bob’s back in my neck of the woods, I really don’t give a hoot about them who can’t talk American. They ain’t voters.”

In a press conference, Gumby announced his great pleasure to help out the Prez. “Gumby no can catch virus. Gumby have no lungs to breathe those pig germs. But glad to set good example. (Ochoo!) And remember to cover mouth when you cough.” Gumby reminds us.