The Twelve Days of Gumby Christmas

Gumby wishes all the non-green persons and objects in the world a very Merry Christmas. Sometimes Gumby gets a bad rap for being too pro-green. Green this and green that. For this year’s Christmas card, Gumby has intentionally decided to share his space with the color RED. This is a direct “nod-of-the-head” in the direction of diversity, whether the color RED deserves it or not.

As a holiday treat below, Gumby offers you his version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. Sing along and Seasons Greeting!

On the first day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Six swine a sneezing
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Seven soldiers sweating
Six swine a sneezing
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Eight Pukites puking
Seven soldiers sweating
Six swine a sneezing
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Nine months unemployment
Eight Pukites puking
Seven soldiers sweating
Six swine a sneezing
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Ten GEICO geckos
Nine months unemployment
Eight Pukites puking
Seven soldiers sweating
Six swine a sneezing
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Eleven pints of green goo
Ten GEICO geckos
Nine months unemployment
Eight Pukites puking
Seven soldiers sweating
Six swine a sneezing
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my Gumby sent to me,
Twelve sheet iron crackers
Eleven pints of green goo
Ten GEICO geckos
Nine months unemployment
Eight Pukites puking
Seven soldiers sweating
Six swine a sneezing
Five grumpy Gumbites
Four cans of peas
Three farby rebs
Two Pokey toys
And a Gumbelina in a pear tree.

MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!!!!!!!

The Christmas Eve Star

(With apologizes to the Cotton Patch Gospel)

It happened in those days that a proclamation went out from President Augustus that every citizen must register. So everybody went to register, each going to his own home town. Joseph too went up from south Georgia from the town of Valdosta, to his home in north Georgia, a place called Gainesville, to register with his bride Mary, who by now was heavily pregnant.

While they were there, her time came, and she gave birth to her first baby. She wrapped him in a blanket and laid him in an apple box. (There was no room for them at the hospital.) When the time for the christening came, Joseph and Mary named him Jesus as an angel had told them. This confounded the relatives, because no one from either side of the family had ever been named Jesus.

When Jesus was born in Gainesville, during the time that Herod was governor, some scholars from the Orient came to Atlanta and inquired, “Where is the one who was born to be governor of Georgia? We saw his star in the Orient, and we came to honor him.” This news put Governor Herod and all his cronies in a tizzy. So he called a meeting of the big time preachers and politicians, and asked if they had any idea where the leader was to be born. “In Gainesville, Georgia” they replied.

Then Herod called in the scholars privately and questioned them in detail about the exact time of the star’s appearance. And he sent them off to Gainesville with this instruction: “Go and find out the facts about the child. Then tell me what you’ve learned…” They listened to the governor and left. And you know, the star which they saw in the Orient went ahead of them until it came and stood above the place where the child was. (Just looking at the star flooded them with great happiness.) So they went inside the house and saw Mary with the baby. They bowed down and honored him, and opened the presents they had brought to him – gifts of an American Express gold card, scented candles and a bottle of Jade East perfume.

Gumby, always a fan of astronomy, also noticed the star using his Tasco Spacestation 60AZ refractor telescope viewing at 500x magnification. Being in Georgia anyway retracing Sherman’s march to the sea, Gumby followed the star to the trailer home where Jesus was born and arrived right at the same time as the scholars pulled up in their rental car smoking a pack of camels. The trailer was so drafty; the outside was lined with bales of hay to help keep the wind out.

After the three gifts were presented, Gumby offered Jesus the most precious gift of all – a gift of green. This rare image of Gumby presenting his gift to the baby Jesus was snapped by Joseph on his Kodak Instamatic model 100 camera (with fixed shutter speed, aperture and focus, featuring a built-in flashgun for AG-1 "peanut" bulbs). When Jesus saw the green bow, he cooed, laughed, then smiled. He even gave Gumby a big “thumbs up” sign (even though he was God, Jesus was obviously too young to speak yet). Gumby seemed to hear a deep voice in his head saying “Thank you, Gumby my toy”. Gumby was happy. Jesus was happy. It was a happy Christmas Eve. Peace on earth and good will to all the people.

A Gumby Thanksgiving

Gumby had friends and family over for Thanksgiving: Gusby and Gabby (Dad and Mom), sister Gumbelina, GEICO Gecko, Buzz Lightyear, Paula Abdul, Tiger Woods (because he unexpectedly had his holiday plans changed), and about a dozen Gumbites from Osawatomie.

Thanks were given for the food and for not being a Pukite. Then they ate.

Not unexpectedly, everyone grossly over ate with three 13-lb turkeys, seven quarts of oyster dressing, four dozen dinner rolls, one large pot of green beans, one large pot of green peas, a case of dead things from the sea (with crackers), one gallon of gravy, 45 links of smoked salami snacks, two dozen pieces of Uncle Billy's hardtack (vintage 1864 – that was an excellent year for hardtack), two gallons of cranberry stuff, two pumpkin pies, and one pie each of apple, peach, sardines, gooseberry, and rhubarb.

Luckily knowing his guests, Gumby rented a portable authentic Roman vomitorium. After dinner as he sat watching football on TV and adjusting his waist belt, Gumby was heard saying “Thank Jesus for elastic!”

St Louis Massacre - Truth Uncovered

May 10, 1861 Riding at the head of more than 6,000 militia and U. S. Regular Infantry, pro-Union Capt. Nathaniel Lyon paid a visit to the 600-800 man pro-Confederate Missouri State Guard Camp Jackson near St Louis. Fears were strong that pro-Confederate forces would seize the St Louis Arsenal. Overwhelming numbers forced the surrender of the secessionists without a fight and the prisoners were marched through St Louis streets to the arsenal between two lines of soldiers.

For a number of reasons, this turned out not to be the best move. Enraged civilians jeered and hurled objects at the heavily German militia and in general behaved very rudely toward the pro-Unionists. During one unfortunate halt, a single shot rang out and the nervous pro-Union forces and armed public open fired on each other. Accounts vary, but 20-28 civilians were killed, including some women and children, and scores were wounded. This is known as the "St. Louis Massacre".

Common belief holds that the first shot was fired toward the soldiers by an angry drunkard with a pistol. However, recent extensive research conducted by The History Channel (in cooperation with The Military Channel and National Geographic) including modern DNA testing, uncovered the true and accurate account of what happened on the streets of St Louis. This corrected account was recently filmed in Kansas City to be shown next year on the History Channel.

Traveling with the noted Phrenologist Orson Squire Fowler, Gumby was in St Louis on that ill fated day. Phrenologist-in-training Gumby had just concluded a Phrenological examination of “Miss Lulu”, a working woman at the St Louis Social Palace and Afternoon Tea Sipping Club. This was a quid pro quo for an afternoon of pleasant society at that establishment by O. S. and his student, Gumby.

Upon hearing shouting and much commotion, they went outside to see what was occurring. They saw the prisoners, they saw small children throwing dirt clods at the soldiers, they saw the soldiers surrounded by angry people shaking their fists. The crowd was such a jostle that one unfortunate woman was knocked onto her back. Before Gumby could avert his little green eyes, he saw her ankles and petticoat. Gumby felt so ashamed!

Although the vantage point from Orson’s tall broad shoulders was extremely good, the day was windy and chilly. “Gumby’s plastic is getting hard” Gumby said. To get warm, he climbed down and snuggled into Orson’s pistol holster tighter than a tick on a hound dog. Orson carried the weapon solely for protection against thievery and occasionally to shoot stray cats for entertainment. Gumby stretched his thick green neck to view around one particularly fat German, “Gumby no can see ‘round fat Dutchy”. His foot accidentally pushed against the trigger and the pistol discharged with a deafening “BOOOOOMM”.

Gumby was so startled that he soiled himself with little green poo. “WHAT WAS THAT?!” Gumby screamed trembling in fear. Men standing near, not knowing where the shot came from, were fearful that Gumby might be hurt. They drew their weapons and formed a human shield around Orson and Gumby to protect him from stray balls of lead which began to fill the air. Better that human flesh stop a bullet than Gumby’s green plastic.

The ball of humanity moved toward the Social Palace protecting Gumby from flying lead. One man immediately fell dead from a buck-and-ball to the side of the head. A few seconds later, a second man cried out in agony as he collapsed from a .58 caliber minnie ball crashing into his knee cap.

The rest of the traditional historical account is more or less accurate. It’s this first shot description that has now set the historical record straight.

Epilog
Gumby and Orson spent the rest of the afternoon and evening safely inside, sipping tea and having social interaction with Miss Lulu and the other ladies at the Social Palace. Fortunately, the streets were cleared of the soldiers, dead, and dying by the time they left.

Reference material:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Camp_Jackson_Affair
http://www.mcwm.org/history_camp_jackson.html

Gumby and Obama declare war on swine flu

On October 24, 2009, President Obama signed a proclamation declaring the 2009 H1N1 influenza pandemic a National Emergency to facilitate our ability to respond to the pandemic. To gain additional traction on the now official swine flu national emergency, the White House asked Gumby to become involved.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said Friday, “Supply challenges aside, it appears much of the American public is not taking this swine flu stuff seriously. Barack, er, I mean President Obama himself suggested we need a spokestoy to help convince the populace to get on board with this darn thing. He could think of no one better for the job than Gumby!”

The flu outbreak allegedly has killed more than 1,000 people in the United States. Fortunately, no toys have died as a result of this flu.

"As a nation, we have prepared at all levels of government, and as individuals and communities, taking unprecedented steps to counter the emerging pandemic. One of the most effective health measures was to get Gumby on the publicity bandwagon" Obama wrote in the emergency declaration. He said the pandemic keeps evolving; however, Gumby is a constant which gives great solace and hope to all Americans. Obama added “Gumby takes the audacity of hope to an entirely new and higher level. America needs Gumby.”

Cable news pundits immediately began speculation that this was the beginning setup to have Gumby run as Vice President for Obama’s second term.

The government now estimates to have about 5 billion doses of swine flu vaccine out by mid-November. The White House estimates this is enough for 3 shots per American citizen and adequate to hoard worldwide supplies to keep vaccine from our enemies and to reward nations friendly to the United States. A spokesperson for the U.S. House of Representatives stated “Why heck, long as we done got ‘nuff fer all the Billy-Bob’s back in my neck of the woods, I really don’t give a hoot about them who can’t talk American. They ain’t voters.”

In a press conference, Gumby announced his great pleasure to help out the Prez. “Gumby no can catch virus. Gumby have no lungs to breathe those pig germs. But glad to set good example. (Ochoo!) And remember to cover mouth when you cough.” Gumby reminds us.

Ogumba

Gumby decided this year to dress as the leader of the free world, the big Prez, the Nobel Peace guy. The White House called to indicate their pride that Gumby selected the President as a costume. Coincidently, President Obama selected Gumby as a costume this year.

Gumby of Arabia

Gumby is filming a remake of the World War I classic “Lawrence of Arabia”, with Gumby playing the lead role of Lieutenant Colonel T. E. Lawrence. The Arab army is portrayed by fellow toys. In a casting coup, Omar Sharif reprises his role as Sherif Ali ibn el Kharish.

Today they were filming a major battle sequence. Gumby and his fellow toys come upon a column of retreating Turkish soldiers, who have just slaughtered the villagers of Tafas. One of Gumby’s soldiers, Buzz Lightyear, is from the village and, after seeing the carnage, he demands, “No prisoners!” When Gumby hesitates, Buzz charges the Turks by himself and is killed. Gumby takes up the dead man's cry, resulting in a massacre in which Gumby himself participates with relish (and lots of ketchup).

This photo shows Gumby charging the Turks shouting “Gumby say no prisoner! Gumby say no prisoner!” Moments after this photo was taken, Gumby bounced off his camel and nearly broke his arm. Fortunately, he could just flex it back into shape.

During an interview for Entertainment Tonight, Gumby was asked about the violent battle scenes. Gumby replied “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” The movie is expected in theaters Summer 2010 and will be rated “G” because its stars are toys.